Therapy?

AFTER

Signs of life: little kicks from a baby, a blip in the heart monitor, the first breath of fresh air after a dive, a pianist on a crescendo, standing up before the ten-count, the first yawn after a peaceful night’s rest… a million different meanings to a million different people, as long as it motivates and perpetuates… positive thinking at its best.

In early 2002, while awaiting the STPM results, like anyone I know in my batch we took jobs for experience, to kill time, and just to know the feeling of having an income. I became a substitute teacher in a primary school, rationalising… good hours, okay pay and weekends off. What I did not bargain for were pestering kids, a syllabus much tougher than my own when I was in primary school, and how lacking I actaully was in Mandarin, but well… we live, we learn. Thinking positive and having "This One’s For The Children" running in my mind helped. Marginally.

My STPM result hit me like a nail in the eye: I was not good enough, by a long shot, to qualify for medicine in any local university… I would have to dig deep for private institutions. My students noticed a change in rhythm in me that day… and my goodness, what they did totally astounded me until today. 11-year-old kids, pure and inexperienced in life, telling me to keep my head up and look forward to a better day… that everything would be all right soon. I could adopt all of them, I swear. I left the teaching profession 3 months later with a heavy heart, not knowing whether I taught my students well enough… but they taught me one of the most important lessons in life I have almost forgotten.

Happiness comes from within.

I found my smile again.

May 2002. I packed my bags and left for UPM in Serdang to pursue the only course the good ol’ government considered me qualified for: Biotechnology. A good course in any case… just not for me. I could not imagine myself working in a lab environment. So it was that I would apply for medicine elsewhere while I studied (half-heartedly admittedly) in UPM.

This was the first time I left home, and I did it with the optimism of finally moving on, the dread of unfamiliarity, of not being "home", and with a tinge of guilt… "why do I feel so good leaving home?" Que sera sera. I remember meeting my roommate, Han Chung, for the very first time in our hostel room, he looked as nervous as I did. I prayed for someone "friendly and unintrusive" and he just wanted someone to get along. Thankfully we clicked rather quickly. My biotechnology coursemates were unbelievable… nearly all of them were "friendly and unintrusive" and I might as well have been roommates with any of them.

I was in the good company of either my coursemates or my ex-schoolmates from Sam Tet… there was never a dull moment and I remembered thinking "this could be home". Through orientation, sleepy lectures, laboratory mishaps, mad bus rides, diarrhoea-inducing canteen food, trips to Mines shopping centre, free tennis lessons, last-minute cramming for exams, late-night sneaking out of rooms to look for friends, avoiding security along the way and back, and even a Faculty Night where we all looked like proper adults for a change… life in UPM was fun and unforgettable, and I made a few life-long friends along the way.

Meanwhile, after having sent application forms to medical institutions in Penang, Alor Setar, KL, my hometown and even India, my work is done and all I had to do was wait with fingers crossed. I had been accepted in Penang and India, but I was gunning to stay in KL. The waiting and worrying ended on a sunny afternoon at a commuter station when the admissions officer called… I was accepted into IMU, the KL university. I remember the first person I called, amidst the sounds of passing trains and loud banter, was Chee Siu (cheese you, hmm…), an old friend most concerned with where I ended up. That was our moment in heaven.

The rest, as they say, is history. Saying goodbye to my UPM coursemates was sad but we held on to the fact that our fates crossed anyhow… I still keep close contact with some of them to this day. Some things, and people, are so hard to let go of. In September 2002, starting afresh again in IMU with new coursemates, new hopes, new ambitions… life is certainly never boring. And in the months to come I would come to this resolution… like the old Boyzone song, this is where I belong. Finally.

The first stage of my life I would gladly say that "Life is Easy", being looked after and protected by my parents. The blanket of security that I so miss. Then it would seem that "Life is Difficult", but even in the darkest hours I had all the help and support in the world… all I needed to do was ask. And now, living a third life in a sense, I would conclude, simply, with the well-worn cliche… "Life is Beautiful". Going through life as swift as we do, it’s good to just stop and reflect on the positives, the beauty of life, to look forward to each day and not take things for granted… and never never to forget your roots, where you come from… for without your yesterdays, there would not even be today. We live, we learn.

Life is beautiful.

It most certainly is.