Therapy?

Three hundred and sixty five moons to change, to adapt, to set wrongs right, and to continue my way down several footpaths, some familiar, some never treaded before. Resolutions for 2007, to the tune of Jewel’s classic, Hands.

"If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we’re all ok"

1. To have more self-belief and faith, that most times, things are never as bad as it seems, and even if they are… most things can’t kill you.

"And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these"

2. To not take things personally and regard everything as a personal attack. To listen to reason, and to understand circumstance. No more getting angry and disturbed for petty reasons.

"I will not be made useless
I won’t be idled with despair"

3. To use the whatever time I have beneficially. No more procrastination, no more time-wasting. There’s a world of things to do and only so little time to accomplish them. This year particularly, I have loads to prove.

"I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear"

4. To be more religious, something I have neglected in the past year. To believe in the power of prayer. And to honour God and His creations however I can. So that when someone asks me "tell me about your religion," I finally can.

"My hands are small, I know,
but they’re not yours they are my own
but they’re not yours they are my own
and I am never broken"

5. To honour my parents and family with all I have. Without question.

"Poverty stole your golden shoes"

6. To be a rightful ambassador for health. To continue my running, exercise and diet regime, lose another 10kg, and hopefully participate in some 10km runs.

"But it didn’t steal your laughter"

7. To be there for all my friends as they have for me, all these years. You have changed, and even saved my life in many ways and I hope to do the same. You know I love you guys like mad.

"And heartache came to visit me
But i knew it wasn’t ever after"

8. To learn to have patience. The only virtue that I have to learn, relearn and relearn. To be patient for appointments, for friends, for results. To grit my teeth and be more tolerant towards difficult people. All good things come to those who wait. "Patience, my young Padawan."

"We will fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what’s right
Cause where there’s a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing"

9. To not bad-mouth anyone behind their back. We are all but by-products of imperfection and it is not in our right place to judge anyone. It is probably the easiest thing to preach but hard hard HARDEST to practice. I hope I get it right this year.

"In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters"

10. To do no harm towards others. By the end of this year hopefully I’ll be a practicing doctor. Sleepless and stressed out, no doubt, but full of heart and yearning for a place in society. Before all that can take place I’ll take a page of advice from Vijay’s dad. "Son, try not to kill anyone."

"I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray"

My end of semester finals is in a little more than a month. I’m scared as hell.

Pray for me.

"Oh my gosh."
"What?"
"I just realised that today’s gonna be the last time we hang out…"
"Oh."
"Did you think about that?"
"Actually… I have thought about that as well."
"It’s so sad…"

I was never that good with goodbyes. Call it a blown-up, post-pubescent version of separation anxiety if you will, but I can never get over the idea of seeing someone nearly everyday for months, even years… and then suddenly never see them again. Goodbyes should be short and sweet, like the last mouthful of a tub of Haagen Dazs… you don’t want it to linger until the weight of the goodbye really sinks in, and you feel like 5 kinds of terrible instead.

"Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?"
~Linger, The Cranberries.

This was how I said hello and goodbye to the Lady, the Rose, and the Year.

…

The Lady

We met nearly exactly 6 months ago. It was your birthday, and before that, we rarely even spoke or saw each other, and even if we did we drifted past. To break the ice, I gave you something a friend once told me was they key to every woman’s heart. Chocolates. He was right. Remember when I met you at the door and the whole neighbourhood’s power was out, and everything had a eerie horror movie feel to it… that was when the ice was broken.

…

"I’m on a cheesecake high right now."

The Rose

Like a case of the Killers’ "Somebody Told Me" with the protagonist breaking his back just to know a name… for fun, I broke my back trying to get your number, since early in the year, and several times in failure… "ask me again next time" you would say. Until one day out of coincidence we would end up in a trip to a certain far-off land full of kings and conquerors and discoverers and history and folklore… that I finally got to know you a lot better. Must be the food there.

…

The Year

2006 started off on a high note. For RM18,000 I bought my freedom, in the form of a second-hand grey Iswara Aeroback, and would depend on my friends’ charity for transport in Seremban no more. And I remembered what exactly I did to welcome you in, Year… gave my best friend a ride, watched Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and we ushered in the new year with supper in Siang Malam as the people all around us cheered at the explosions in the sky. Beautiful.

…

Lady, you are always enthralled by all kinds of music. Eccentric music no one else would give a second listen to. And you sent all those, nearly your entire music collection to me, through the months on MSN. And I try hard to like most of them and be nice and keep most of them in my Received Files folder anyway. And there are some gems, some songs that I have never heard of that sounded so amazing, so funky, so pristine, so right. Barry White!

And we would feverishly plan out our concerts. Concerts that would never happen for real. You’d be the Faith Hill to my Tim McGraw while we sang "Like We Never Loved At All", the Nelly Furtado to my Timbaland while we funk and jive to "Promiscuous", and you promised to be the "other girl" while I sang "Lips Of An Angel". Then one day your hard drive went nuts and most of your music collection was erased… and in one night that seemed to never end I sent all your songs, three by three (thanks MSN), back to you. You’re bloody welcome.

…

I remember not having much cash when your birthday came around, Rose, and bought whatever that looked nice in Jusco (cheap) and thought it could save the day. And if it was meant to compensate, I spent nearly 2 hours thinking up a birthday message to write… which ended up an essay. If you did not like the gift, at least you had a little story to keep you busy, right? Right after I gave the gift to you, on the drive back I expected something. A thank you sms, a message on MSN, whatever. Nothing came that night… and I slept it off thinking I have failed. Fine. Whatever.

It was not until months, yes months later that I read your blog and realised… my word, how wrong I was. You were thankful, so thankful that you reproduced my little essay word for word and posted it in your blog. In your own words, "here I am showing off to the world how much I appreciate it". For the next 5 minutes I sat still on my chair while a spine-tingling rush of guilt washed over me. Damn… if only I knew earlier, eh?

…

The Year gave me ample opportunities to rid myself of the performing bug. No longer was I known as the guy who sang silly Chinese pop tunes once a year. In April I gave the performance of my life singing what I’ve always wanted to… rock. And just for 15 minutes onstage, I *knew* the whole of IMU fell in love with me. (I can’t say this without ego, sorry) The feeling was indescribable, and ifever I have a time machine this would be within the top 5 of events I want to revisit. I would, at 80, old and grey, grab my grandson and tell him "these are the moments you live for, boy!"

A few months later my services were called in once again to perform for an inter-university conference… and all we had was one practice session. Later in the Year, my vocal cords were laid to rest, and I dipped one foot in modelling and the other in dancing, for Deeparaya Night, to enthusiastic response. Alas, there shall be no more from me and my fantastic batchmates as we pour in everything we have to prepare for our finals this February. Oh such sweet sorrow…

…

"If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
~Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

I remember one night, when, frustrated and fed up with the world, I came over, switched off my phone, hid at your place, and we forgot about the world for 24 hours. Thank you for just being there, Lady, I never wanted any solutions nor lecturing, and your presence was just all that I needed, just perfect.

…

"Dancing in the moonlight
Everybodys feeling warm and bright
Its such a fine and natural sight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight"
~Dancing In The Moonlight, Toploader

I remember one night, when everyone was dressed in polkadots and the loudspeakers were blaring out the songs of the Grease soundtrack, we were on the dancefloor and you held out both your hands, wanting to lead me to a dance. For a split second I felt awkward, even offended… "YOU, a girl lead ME, to a dance?" And then I remembered, you were always the sort that would never shy away from goofy fun, and for the next hour we pretended we were high on the 50’s. Dancing and laughing and goofing away to "You’re The One That I Want", in an era we don’t belong to.

…

"I tell the fellas start the name callin’
And the girls respond to the call
Heard a woman shout out
Who let the dogs out?"
~Who Let The Dogs Out, Baha Men

I remember one night, when, feeling useless and frustrated about my weight problem, I resolved to be a better ambassador for health. The gym gang was born out of different needs… Sarjit wanted to be a BIG BAD SINGH, Frienky wanted some muscle to his meat, and Kavin, well, just wanted to show off his superhuman physique. The four of us went gymming 3 times a week, almost religiously, with "Who Let The Dogs Out" being our battle cry for a few days. After nearly 9 months of work, the gang has increased in membership (Kenneth and Chung wanted meaning in life), and we all saw results. I have never been fitter, nor happier.

…

On our last night out, the Lady seemed quieter than usual. Perhaps you were reflecting on what we discussed earlier, that it would be hard for us to see each other again… the weight of the impending goodbye falling upon us early. Nevertheless, we had a nice dinner, room for dessert, and after that I sent you home for the last time.

"Thanks for the lovely evening." We hugged and said our goodbyes. I drove off.

Goodbyes should be simple and sweet, my dear friend.

…

On our last night out, the Rose was high. We quickly rushed through our main courses (which were quickly forgotten) so that we could order desserts immediately… in the form of cheesecakes. We had more fun than usual, each wanting to grab more cake than the other, each proclaiming their deliciousness to jealous glances. "I’m on a cheesecake high right now." Don’t I know it.

And when I sent you home, I gave you a Christmas present, along with another essay. We said our goodbyes, and later at home on MSN, I saw a rose right next to your name. We know why.

Goodbyes should be simple and sweet, my dear friend.

…

On the last night of 2006, I was back at my hometown in a coffee house amongst friends. We were at a happening spot and party packs were given away free to usher in the new year. Bells, tinkles, whistles, poppers… all rang in unison as the new year came in. We all took to the streets as the Year died a noisy death… amid explosions in the sky. You deserve a rousing sending-off, for what has been one of my sweetest years of all.

Goodbyes should be simple and sweet, my dear friend.

…

Coda: The Lady

By coincidence (fate?), we both could not sleep that night, and ended up bumping into each other in MSN at 5.30am. "Let’s have nasi lemak," you quipped. "You’re kidding," my reply. It was Christmas eve morning. In a matter of hours I would be driving down KL for a function, but before that… a few errands. On the way to the highway was her house, and I did one final thing for the Lady. Freshly taken-away nasi lemak, right at her doorstep.

"Morning Santa! You spoil me!" I know.

On that morning, we met as we did the first time, six months ago… I delivered something to your doorstep. I hope you remember that.

…

Coda: The Rose

The last time we went for a movie, the trailer for "The Guardian" played. You nudged me as if trying to say something. This trailer has been playing for months with no sign of the film opening anytime soon. I thought it would never be released… until that day.

You had one last night in Seremban, and by coincidence (fate?) the first extra shows for "The Guardian" finally surfaced, a midnight show no less. I knew it was something you could not say no to. And you didn’t.

…

Coda: The Year

The first morning of the year I woke up to a throbbing headache after staying up pretty late the previous night. I looked into the mirror and saw the reflection. Damn, I look old.

And to all, a new year message. Let us wash the blood off our hands from last year and welcome another sure to be filled with little mistakes and tiny blunders.

Happy New Year.