Therapy?

I hate hip-hop. There I’ve said it.

I’m sure they serve a function somewhere… for moving your feet at least. R&B beats techno in any club any time. Techno is so bad any more words written about it would suffocate me. But more likely than not (97% of the time according to a reputable statistician ie. me) hip-hop is ammunition for some coked-up guy to vent his "feelings" or stoke his magnanimous ego. Tell me what other things do they talk about other than guns, revenge, bling, babes and how good they are. They don’t keep diaries, they don’t have best friends, they don’t blog… they drop rhymes, yo!

Remember when J.Lo was dating P.Diddy and she had this (s)hit song out that goes "Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got I’m still Jenny from the block, used to have a little now I have a lot, da da da da I know where I came from." Can you think of any worse reason for writing a song? An ego-stokin’ song telling us she has no ego? Am I supposed to laugh at the irony? My God. Puffy spread the disease to her!

And most of the time you can’t hear what the hell they’re saying. How does that one go? "I got friends you got friends, I got friends you got friends, you can lean in the right won’t you lean in the right da da da bullshit." Then there’s another club classic that I swore I heard "Is your mitts… on the floor? Well is it? Let me know… you can sit on it run it run it you can sit on it da da da bullshit." If you know which songs they are please let me know. Rewards guaranteed. A pat on the back.

Even if you can you can’t stand what they say anyway. You work all day, boss spews shit at you all day, and you put this CD on, and its one guy spewing shit at another for an hour plus. Jay-Z/Ja-Rule, Death Row/Bad Boy… they got your number. They don’t MSN, they don’t call, they don’t talk it out… they drop rhymes, yo!

And ALL of them have the most uncreative names ever. No point using a real name, when I got this special name… to drop rhymes with, yo! Yeah true. Thanks to yous speshial names all, I can’t tell what the hell difference there is between Cam’ron and Common and Chamillionaire, Lil’ Kim and Lil’ Mama and Lil’ Bow Wow and Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Mo, Ja-Rule and Jay-Z and Jakeim and Jadakiss, Young Jeezy and Yung Jocs, T-Pain and T.I, Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg, Ciara and Cassey, Nelly and Nelly Furtado, Mario and Mario Winans (I could swear they’re the same person), Notorious B.I.G. and Hilarious F.A.T. Hint: One of them is fake.

And 50 Cent is damn ugly. I just had to say that.

Then came the ultimate travesty ever. I swear I wouldn’t have written this entry if this person didn’t come along. Akon. The human duck. Sings like one, sure as hell dresses like one. Suddenly tries to go for "producer of the year" with all the collaborations/abominations I’ve been force-fed on the radio. Everyday in the car, you hear an OK song, then in the middle bit you think "why is there a duck singing in the background?" then the DJ announces its Akon. Fitting. Why, just yesterday there was this fantastic comeback number by Wyclef Jean… it’s a bloody catchy song, then in the middle… "quack quack quck quack". What the…? Absolutely ruined it.

I know I shouldn’t bash Akon. He worked hard, he paid his dues. Maybe he thought he’d bring something fresh because no one in music history ever sang like a duck before. Hell, all credit goes to him for promoting inter-species love. He is the pioneer, yo. Have you ever wondered how a chipmunk and a duck would sound like together in a song? Wonder no more! You have Akon’s first single "Lonely". You can’t get a duck much less a chipmunk to do stuff for you, they’re hopeless animals except for meat, but he got a duck and a chipmunk together in a studio to drop a song, yo!

Imitation=flattery. And I blame Akon for bringing forth his first (and hopefully last) imitator… Sean Kingston. The second man in musical history to sound like a duck. The man who could kill music forever. That sei fei jai. As if killing off the memory of the glorious "Stand By Me" wasn’t enough. Everytime I hear that song on the radio I feel like shooting someone, most likely the record company exec for giving this Daffy Duck a recording contract. And THEN, he did the near-impossible with his second song. He killed off the memory of Led Zeppelin’s "D’yer Maker" and its glorious backstory… and it was so horrendous it even had time to kill off Sheryl Crow’s updated cover for the 90’s. When the music dies, I will no doubt blame one and only one person for it. Sean Kingston. Sei fei jai. Stop making music!

Sei fei jai.

Sei Akon.

Sei fan cheong.

Thankfully, in the immortal words of Optimus Prime… someone will rise from their ranks to "light our darkest hour". May I present to you the only three acts I listen to… the saviors of hip-hop. One for all, once and for all. Kanye West, Timbaland, OutKast. If not for them I would have forsaken hip-hop entirely.

They choose their samples wisely, break new ground with their collaborations (Kanye and Chris Martin! Timbaland and Fall Out Boy!), and for once, write good stuff that’s not only about guns, bling and babes. I breathe a sigh of relief. 3% of hip-hop is worth listening to after all. And I totally relish the fact Kanye trumped 50’s ass in sales.

This has been my totally biased and skewed opinion of hip-hop. Obviously 97% of this article was written in good fun, and I’m entitled to my opinions of Akon and Sean Kingston.

That human duck.

That sei fei jai.