Therapy?

I thought long and hard, after a long absence, about what to write.

I could tell you a story of betrayal, of a malevolent department out for my blood, a malfunctioning band of selfish low self-esteemed arrogant sorry excuses for doctors whose only glimpses of satisfaction are ill-gotten by the mistreatment of others, grasping on to whatever little pride they have left in themselves, their so-called work.

I could tell you a story of spiralling paranoia, depression, mistrust and self-reliance, a general disdain for humanity and the burdens of a junior doctor, and how it affected his psyche and the people around him, many of whom he was supposed to care for but he forgot.

I could tell you a story of redemption, of how I, despite the many odds and sods thrown at me, managed to survive to tell the tale. A cautionary tale of a department gone to the deep end.

I could tell you all those, but it would be flogging a horse’s carcass, and giving more unwanted attention to people who do not deserve it, who rather deserve a long hard protracted road into obscurity and ultimately, comeuppance.

This is a blog borne out of love, not of hate.

As I left the trainwreck that is known as the O&G department behind, and started anew with medical, many changes took place. Colleagues that genuinely care for you. Superiors that teach, nurture, and outright appreciate your work. Better working hours, albeit higher patient load, but surprise surprise, much lesser stress.

Could it be… that I am finally enjoying my work?

It is not, of course, the outright "calling" some doctors swear they dedicate, devote and declare their lives for. You might believe in destiny but fate holds the bigger cards. Rather, it is a jigsaw piece finally knowing where its place is in the big picture. I begin to fit snugly into the working tapestry. And what a grand picture I envision it to be. Portraits of kings and prophets and petals all underneath a magnificent, sky-blue sky.

Histrionic, perhaps, but I am content at long last. The soul has come back to my eyes, and I am back to my old self.

My father’s birthday came and went, and today is father’s day. Obvious to a tee that these days my moods will swing from pensive to passionate to passive to pallor.

Day by day I wish things turned out differently.

Day by day I wish he was still by my side, guiding me as I go.

Sometimes I’m as alone as they come, but never lonely.

Sometimes I’m surrounded by friends, yet strangely empty inside.

Days go by, people move on, love prevails.

Days go by, and still I tell myself this.

Live for love and never for hate.

Hard words, but true words to live by.

And now, I can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store.

I love you dad.